Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
