so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
