I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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