So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
