Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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