a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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