Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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