you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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