I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
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His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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