if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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