My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
