so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
