Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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