I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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