We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
