my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
