He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
