I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
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Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
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Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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