I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
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Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
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And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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