the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
