you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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