i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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