Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
