I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
