Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
