if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
