I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
