Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
