I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
