Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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