Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
