My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
