Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
