i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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