My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
