Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
