I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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