I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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