You just made me feel so damn special
Ambien. No doubt about it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
