I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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