You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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