Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
