I can't breathe out the right side of my face
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
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Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
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Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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