my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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