I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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