she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
