Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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