Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
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You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
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Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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