apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
