and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
