I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
