Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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